desirable

The desire to be a model,

Desperation. Do I want it that much? Possibly.

I wanna feel 

glamorous, fabulous, 

wondrous and flawless

beautiful but humble

viable and fashionable

To be rich, to be the nicest person alive,

To have a million friends (true ones at that)

To look absolutely stunning

24/7 

To have a family that loves you

To enjoy the career or work that you do

Perfection.

That is what modelling would be like for me

Fulfilling, satisfying, desirable, happiness

Yet, rather than flattering my dreams I shall simply write of them instead.

War Child

If it were my choice I wouldn't be here
I would be sitting on the beach western
or playing with the other children happily, care free.
I want this so bad

if it were my choice I wouldn't have to carry these weapons
in order to save my life.
I don't think anyone around would care if I was injured,
I think it is all about survival- you survive, you help yourself
and that's it. 'Its just a game' they say, but I'm smart enough
to know now that it is not.

I may not be educated, and restricted from a happy life but
I know this is no game. killing is wrong, even an 8 year old can see that.
But I have no choice.

Here in Congo I dream of the outside world, the world
with all the luck, dreams coming true and happiness.
All of those, everything you could think of made possible.
I have dreams too, has anyone stopped to think about that?

Has anyone stopped to think that maybe I do not aspire to
kill, or injure, or impose harm in anyway?
I desire a happy life, a friend, a family.
My family. gone, gone, far

away from this monstrosity of animosity in this cold sinking place
to the depths of hell and despair. Lost, all gone.
What now? The streets, I suppose.

We street children, animals of the emptiness and cold;
begging, prostitution, exposure to extreme violence
with absence of condolence for health, and for others.

We are revealed to the worst of the worst
We need help.


Help is here

what's new

I feel that I am way too obsessive.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart but I feel that I give so much more into our relationship than he does. No, I am not saying that is a bad thing, it just makes me feel a bit silly, naive, young when I tell him I love him about a million times a day (the use of hyperbole there of course) and kiss him on the cheek and text him every day and tell him how happy I am to be with him and how happy he makes me and how wonderful he is and the concern I feel when he doesn't text me one day.

I spoke to him about it the other day, we were drunk and alone (otherwise I wouldn't have had the courage to speak up about it) and I asked him if I was obsessive. He got really concerned and comforted me and said he'll try and be more attentive and loving. But, truth is, I don't want him to be, I mean that would be absolutely lovely because love and attention is what I love from a guy but I feel way too obsessive that I need to turn it down a bit. I don't want to be like this all my life but I can't help but get too attached and dependent on the one I love.

I guess I'm thinking about this because I'm thinking of my boyfriend in France for the week and having fun with his family whilst I'm here  missing him way too much to get on with life.

I need to get on with life, just get on with it.

Why should my life have to stop because he isn't in it for one week?

I am so infatuated with him. 

It's not my fault though I swear he is just simply amazing. But oh dear, someone help me please!

love

despair, anguish,

fate, desirable, 

unrequited, unconditional, helpless, devoted,

happiness, laughter, 

change,
superlative,
games, deceit, naivety,
satisfying,                                                                                                                                  unbearable,

parted, 

imposing, confining, pressuring,

lustful, admiring, 

status, 

fulfilling, dedicating, 

hopeful, blessed, lucky, earned, deserved, 

disrespected,

                                                 m                     

                                                          i  

                                                              s  

  l 

e  

a     

 d, 

                                                            empowering, domineering,   submissive, 
suppressed, unknowing, secret,
determined, defining,
golden, best, beautiful, graceful,                                              harmful, disruptive, destructive, pain, restraint, belonging, longing,
power,
desperation,
lying,
unlimited, infinite,
                                          help                               l     e         s                    s,
defiant,
liberating,                                                                                                       suffering,
degrading,
typicality, universal

love.

personalities

I just finished watching The Breakfast Club and although it seemed a very typical and generic American film it seemed to portray a whole lot  more to me than modern day American high school movies.

I had absolutely no idea what the film was about before I watched it and so it was a pleasant surprise when I realised what it involved. Although, was the message to blame the parents for the actions made by the child? Or was it not to judge a book by its cover? I think there was an element of both in there.

I loved it so much because it looked into the qualities of different people and how the typicality of high school can ruin a person or, as seen in The Breakfast Club, can better them from learning the unimaginable (at least to that person at one time). A typical lesson learnt from this vintage film would be not to judge a book by its cover because there can be a lot more to it; a lot more problems without answers and how these can define a person in a particular way.

I love to look at people and the way they are portrayed on the outside, whether that is because of how imposing society is or whether it is the way the individual longs to impress society. Following this I love to dig deep and compare what is inside with how the person appears physically. Often, it is found that secrets are kept because of shame, qualities are hidden because 'normality' says no and views on particular subjects are suppressed because others think differently.

People are so afraid to say what they want to say because, well, I do not really know why.
Fear of rejection? Loss? Isolation? Alienation? Seclusion? Derogation?

People should not be so worried about these things, in fact, more and more people are becoming more accepting towards others who share 'strange' or 'abnormal' views because it is something different and there are a lot more people in the world who care about making a difference and reducing the social injustices of the world. Mary Shelley cared to share her views through her novel, Frankenstein, and featured various themes within to portray her thoughts on society concerning glory, gender, knowledge, responsibility. All of which we need in life to co-operate, but Shelley argued not necessarily. This pivotal change in a viewpoint from such a fantastic writer surprised and most importantly influenced readers to do the same.

So many other reasons why people are more accepting and diverse these days and this is the beginning of a resolution to reducing social injustices.

Ah okay, rant over now.
Goodnight!

routine

Everyday life brings all sorts of surprises, revelations, wonders, agonies, despondencies and still after the rate of our development we still do not know what the future will bring.

I wonder if maybe, perhaps, possibly, that this is the reason why we stick to routine. Perhaps we are afraid of the risks and the regret that could follow. But we do not know what will happen in the future and so why should we limit ourselves in order to ensure mistakes are not made? Rather, it seems that the whole point really is to challenge your abilities and embrace the opportunities you question.

But then again, maybe it is change we fear. Because a change in routine or the socially accepted "normality" in society scares us. I know it scares me. The possibility of the worse springs to mind, but it could also evoke inspiration and improvement in one's life. So...

What 

                              can                          

change                                     do              to       

 your

                                                                      life?

Will it bring 

happiness, happiness, happiness, happiness, happiness

 or  devastation, devastation, devastation, devastation, devastation?

I think it's worth the 

risk.                                        --

"perfection"

Yes the perfect boyfriend, or girlfriend, does only exist in books or movies, but that does not necessarily mean that this is a bad thing.

In my eyes, perfection is not true, I do not believe that there is such a thing as a perfect person; every one makes mistakes and we all learn from them, even then we still do things wrong. and there is nothing wrong with that.
Yes, perfection exists in Disney and Pixar and it belongs there; in order to deceive us into believing that life is as easy as ‘true loves kiss’, for some reason I do not know

                                               and

 it drives me

 mad.

silence

silence

Comforting yet troubling.

We find it pleasing but at the same time disturbing.

Silence brings hope, but it brings war too,

It brings me peace. Please tell me, what does it do for you?

I find silence overwhelming, but in the good sense,

But as I witness sufferings, the feel of silence is changed. Tense

Is probably the word appropriate for those awkward situations,

Right? When someone is opinionated but critical.

Too critical that it offends anyone without a brain

Because nowadays

It is cool to take no risks and drain

A life without a mind

And instead to live, with no thoughts,

No insight and just too much

Of influence combined.

Comforting, not troubling. 

I love the silence but I think we need more of it if I'm honest.

Of course, yes, it can bring violence but it can also encourage defiance

Within us and I think that is what we need more of

In this society; more deep thinking and less control from authorities above.

the pressure to be perfect

Very recently people keep reminding me how much pressure is on my back. That pressure is to do well at school; not only that but to be the best, to get straight As so i can go to the best uni. All about competition to be the best of the best. 

Why?

People expect way too much from me and in the end they are all just disappointed. I try my best, i do, but i know that my best is not always good enough. And i always think, well, what else do you want me to do? I can't do anything else to console you or live up to your expectations. 

People don't understand how difficult it is, everything piling up and parents are everything but supportive, which does not help at all, it just pressures me even more.

I think my point is really that, I am in desperate need of a long, relaxing holiday.

I am not saying I cannot deal with it because I am at the state of 'end' but it does remind me of those who suffer deeply from the mistakes made by society (society being us!!). My best friend, she used to suffer from bulimia for a while. I did not find out until probably after a few months she had first started making herself sick. This scared me very much. 

I found out on a night out, a terrible, terrible night out. We decided it would be a good idea to camp out in a field at night by a fire in sleeping bags and getting smashed. Indeed, big mistake.

My best friend had had way too much to drink and was being sick everywhere and could hardly stand. I remember seeing her stick her fingers down her throat several times and I guessed that this was a regulation in her life, unfortunately.

                                   This 

                                                       scared

                                                                                me. 

I asked her 'why?' and she said, 'I am fat' (slurring extremely, of course). From this I cried simply because she is the most beautiful person I know. She means an incredible amount to me and I don't know where I would be without her. 

There are many reasons why my best friend made herself sick and still hates the way she looks. 

1. her parents- her mum, specifically, is a lovely woman, but she is sometimes harsh on my friend and I can tell that it upsets my friend extremely. To the point where she will get into a 'depressed' state. The reason depressed is in inverted commas is because I do not know if my friend is properly depressed but I have seen her in states that worry me.
2. friends- one friend in particular, i will refer to her as 'x', is as blunt as a butter knife and because she her body is perfectly carved without effort and a size 4/6 (UK), she believes every girl of a bigger size than 6 is fat, ugly and worthless. I remember distinctively, x said 'well, obviously *my friend* thinks she's fat so maybe she should go and do something about it hahahaha'. I wanted to cry and at the same time slap x around the face. 
3. media- I think we all know what I'm talking about. Why is the media still a contributing factor for the reasons rates of bulimia/anorexia/depression/anxiety are becoming increasingly high??
4. school- we go to a school with only girls and so the pressure to look the best is stupidly high. because girls are seeing other girls with tons of makeup on, back-combed hair, the best clothes available and of course the tiniest bodies you could imagine, every one is competing with another in order to be the best, look the best, liked the most, admired the most. 

Competition. 

Always,

 so 

much 

fucking

competition.

I know too many people who have self-harmed. That's either through cutting, forcing themselves to be sick, pushing themselves to the point of exhaustion to where they cannot even function properly. Yep, I know people who have been through this. What can I do? What can we do?

There must be something we can do.

'acca-awesome'

I watched pitch perfect this morning and absolutely loved it, the combinations of songs were brilliant and the casting was excellente! Although the rival guy leader was so arrogant and the love story between the two main characters, as it were, made it seem a bit too typical, especially with the bitch girl ending up being friendly after all (I probably should have paid more attention to the characters’ names really…)

I loved it though! 

Probably because cheesy/cringey love films are my guilty pleasure.